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information - men and family relationships forum
Papers from the 2004 National Men and Family Relationships Forum as provided by the Forum Organising Committee
A Checklist for Organisations Working With Men (PDF document 84kb)
Counselling Men (PDF document 76kb)
Current Issues in Working With Men in Geelong (PDF document 32kb)
Developing the Practice of Working With Men in Relationships (PDF document 48kb)
Developing Work With Men in Relationships (PDF document 32kb)
Family Wellness Article (PDF document 16kb)
Putting the Baby Back in the Bath (PDF document 84kb)
Where Have All the Men Gone? (PDF document 36kb)
Who Can a Man Tell? (PDF document 20kb)
Using Mindfullness Based Cognitive Therapy For Emotional Tolerance and Mood Relief with Men (PDF document 28kb)
Where Have All the Men Gone?
What has happened to manhood, fatherhood and husbandry in Australian
society and what can we do about it?
Noel Giblett, Manager Counselling Services, Lifeline WA, October 2004
noelgiblett@lifelinewa.org.au
Introduction
It is a brave or perhaps foolhardy soul who attempts to comment on gender relations
and related issues in our society. Speaking for myself, I'm guess I'm prepared to be
both because I'm convinced that who we are as men and women, and how we relate,
is at the heart of so many other things.
I want to begin by making three acknowledgements.
Firstly, I'm going to be impressionistic. This will not be hard science. I'm going to be
personal and passionate, not impersonal and academic. If you disagree with me,
feel free to let me know. But I make a suggestion: let's try for dialogue, not just
debate.
Secondly, I may be challenging at times, but rest assured I'm not taking a shot at
men or women in anything I say. I'm simply suggesting that something has happened
in the whole area of gender relations - and in particular the role and standing of men
in Australian society - which I think is cause for concern.
Finally, this can only be a brief overview. I recognise that there are many specific
issues which are not addressed in this paper. My intention is deliberate - to overview
some macro issues and avoid getting bogged down in micro debates, not that they
are unimportant but rather because it is the macro picture which I think we've lost
sight of.
As the title suggests, I want to summarise my impressions under three headings.
1. Manhood
For as long as I can remember, men have been copping bad press in Australia, both
in the media and in social discourse. I often cringe at things I read and hear about
men but I have to admit that some of it is deserved. Men have apparently been guilty
of violence, intimidation, sexual assault, homicide and 'familicide' to a far greater
extent than our female peers.
Whether you blame this state of affairs on testosterone, social conditioning, an
inflated sense of entitlement, indulgent mothering, inadequate fathering, innately low
emotional intelligence or a combination of the above, we have some explaining to do
and (perhaps more importantly) we have some work to do.
As is now well known, the rise of feminism called men to account and it was arguably
a long overdue wake-up call. Feminisim challenged men about power and control
issues and empowered women to make choices for themselves. It led to wideranging
social, legal and economic reforms which we are still living with.
My question is, 'Where to now?' Is it enough to just keep doing more of the same?
Someone once said that a heresy is a truth taken to its extreme. Personally, I think
there was much that was good and necessary in feminist prompted reforms, but
several decades later the most common comment I hear regarding gender relations
(from men and women) is that the pendulum has swung out to the extreme and it's
now time to find some middle ground before it's too late.
I also notice that it's been a long time since I heard that quaint, tongue in cheek
phrase 'the battle of the sexes.' I wonder if that's because we know it's no longer
quaint and that in some areas of life that battle is looking more like all-out war (for
example in the family law arena, which I will address later).
So, what has happened to manhood in Australian society in recent years?
First the good news - I think there is a noticeable diversification happening amongst
men. I notice a growing number of high profile young men who are walking their own
path, particularly young sportsmen, writers, artists and musicians who stand out as
different from the mainstream. They seem more modest and grounded than many of
their slightly older contemporaries.
It seems to me that one of the great gifts of the post-modern era is that we are
coming to terms with diversity - specifically that there are many different ways to be a
man.
We don't all have to be Warriors (literally or metaphorically). We can be athletes but
not necessarily ego-maniacs. We can be what the archetypal literature calls Lovers
(sensitive types, even sensuous, interested in relationships) but not necessarily 'root
rats'. Some of us seem destined to be Magicians (artists, musicians etc), while others
are clearly accepting their mantle as Kings (overseers and leaders) particularly some
men who are well into their 50s and 60s and are making noteworthy public comment
on social issues. Some men are emerging as Prophets (seers and social
commentators) while others are clearly Wildmen, withdrawing to the desert or the
forest to listen to nature and the divine.
Now the bad news - nobody is going to make this diversification easy. Our society
has been founded on men as warriors, workers, labourers, corporate raiders, futures
traders and aggressive sportsmen for thousands of years, sacrificing self for the holy
grail of prosperity, productivity and macho spectator sports. To take back your self
for some other purpose takes courage, clarity and a preparedness to feel like the odd
one out.
2. Fatherhood
What's happened to fatherhood? Again, there's good news and bad news.
Firstly, the role has changed in recent generations - by and large for the better.
These days most expectant fathers are not found at the local pub, or even in the
waiting room of the maternity ward, when their children arrive in the world. They're
'on the scene' trying to offer moral support while at the same time bearing the guilt of
having been the cause of it all.
Secondly, there is increased awareness of some of the issues, eg. the work-family
debate is a positive development when it's more than rhetoric, as is the substantial
number of couples who share the care of their children (whether still together or
separated). As with manhood, there are some signs of diversity and flexibility.
However, while the good news gets better, the 'bad news' still seems to be getting
worse.
These days, it's hard not to draw the conclusion that fathers are seen as an optional
extra in the lives of their children after separation. I refer not only to the vast majority
of Family Court determinations that relegate fathers to a secondary role but also the
apparent difficulty our political masters (and society at large) are having with the
whole notion of Shared Parenting after separation. We just don't seem to be getting
it. Far too many separated fathers who earnestly want to maintain more than a token
relationship with their children (and whose children want that also) are being
obstructed from doing so.
For the record, I am not a separated father and when I started working with
separated fathers three years ago I had an open mind regarding the Family Court
and the Child Support Agency. If anything, I took the view that we need legal
institutions to protect the vulnerable and financial agencies to ensure a guaranteed
minimum income for all.
However, from what I've seen, particularly the separated fathers I've met who have
had to fight 'tooth and nail' to hang onto a meaningful relationship with their children
(or in some cases any relationship at all), it is clear that our family law and child
support systems are capable of doing irreparable damage. We have an adversarial
family law system that not only sanctions but reinforces non-cooperation on the part
of the residential parent (generally the mother) and all too frequently marginalises the
non-residential parent (generally the father) to the point of humiliation.
Not surprisingly, a study by the Australian Institute for Suicide Research and
Prevention (Suicides in Queensland, 1990-95) found that the suicide rate amongst
separated men is as high as six times that of their non-separated male peers. This is
alarming, given that the overall male suicide rate is already four to five times the
female rate. In other words, the post-separation male:female suicide ratio may be in
the order of 24:1 or 30:1.
Of course it's difficult to say for sure to what extent these suicides were the result of
the fathers losing contact with their children compared to factors related to losing
their partner (or other things) but it's still an alarming statistic - or it should be. And it
appears to be largely unaddressed in current social policy and funding.
I think it's a testament to the character of many separated fathers that they do not
give up or take their own lives, despite having their relationship with their children
unilaterally denied or greatly diminished.
I acknowledge that there are no easy answers after a separation. I also acknowledge
that Shared Parenting can be messy, whether it's 50:50 or some other arrangement
tailored to individual circumstances (eg. 60:40 or 70:30 etc). It requires goodwill and
it can be hard work. It does not lead to neat black and white solutions that are easily
enshrined in law. There is certainly no clear winner and loser in a Shared Parenting
arrangement - if anything it's an acknowledgement that everyone loses in a separation and that we ought to do all we can to spread the loss and minimise the
damage.
The fact remains that with the exception of situations of intractable violence and
heavy substance abuse and the like, Shared Parenting is clearly the arrangement
which is truly in the best interests of the children. Child psychologists and social
researchers have known this for decades - the outcomes for children educationally,
psychologically, behaviourally and socially are on average significantly worse if the
father is marginalised, under-involved or absent. How come it's taking so long for our
politicians, policy makers and funding bodies to accept the research and take it
seriously?
At the risk of stating the obvious (to some) or heresy (to others), motherhood and
fatherhood are each unique and complementary aspects of parenting, and children
need both. Our children clearly look to each of their parents for some commonality of
approach and care, but quite different gifts and strengths.
3. Husbandry and Marriage
Finally, what's happened to marriage?
As The Weekend Australian Magazine put it earlier this year, 'The Brand is in
Trouble!' It seems to me that as a society we've hardly begun to grasp the nature of
marriage - what it is and what it takes - certainly not to an extent that is adequate in
this day and age. Why do I say this?
A few observations:
-
Many couples spend thousands of dollars on a wedding but begrudge
spending a cent on marriage preparation, marriage enrichment or counselling.
-
We seem to think that marriage is merely a contract, to be terminated by
either party at short notice. We haven't yet grasped the idea that it's a
covenant that is only fulfilled over a very long journey together.
-
We seem to think marriage is merely a neat way of getting our needs met
(which it may be at times) but we haven't yet accepted that it's a crucible (as
per David Schnarch's work) - a hothouse designed to grow you up and draw
you out beyond yourself.
-
Finally, we seem to have a lot of marriages that last about 7-10 years. We
haven't yet grasped that the average apprenticeship in marriage seems to be
about 15-20 years.
Please do not misunderstand me. I know that marriages end for a variety of reasons
and my point here is not to sit in judgement on anyone else's marriage.
My point is simply that just as the way we do separation in our society is not working
for many people, neither is the way we do marriage. We don't seem to understand
what it is and what it takes - the seasons, the cycles, the paradoxes and the
challenges.
I think many of us men have been particularly guilty of this. Many of us have done
ourselves no credit at all by the way we have approached our marriages, at least in
the early years. Many of us thought that just turning up was all that was needed - filling a role, occupying a space, doing tasks.
Sam Keen in 'Fire in the Belly' suggests that husbandry is much more than that. It's
about the whole process of overseeing one's life and one's relationships. Like animal
husbandry or farming, it's all about planting seeds, putting down roots, making
commitments, cultivating, conserving and harvesting. It's also about knowing times
of fallow ground, waiting, hoping, even emptiness and despair sometimes.
I put it to you that we need to raise the standing of husbandry in Australian society,
which will mean raising the standard. What is a good husband? Do we have any
idea?
I suggest a good husband is one who tends and cultivates his primary relationship.
In fact, sometimes he stands in awe at the mystery of it! He makes his peace with
the cycles and the seasons, the ups and downs of it, because he holds a long-term
view. He knows that this is something (and someone) that he cannot possess or
control, and yet is intimately interconnected with.
It takes a kind of humility - not the same thing as being humiliated, but a willingness
to voluntarily be humbled in the interests of love and transformation. Sometimes
you've got to be broken before you can be blessed.
Conclusion: What can be done?
I want to make some brief suggestions in five areas of life - I used to think of them as
radiating concentric circles with the individual at the centre, but lately I've become
convinced that we are really interdependent cells (like honeycomb) - see Lewis
Thomas' book 'Lives of a Cell' - and that we need to get away from the egocentric
focus on 'me and my world'.
1. The Personal Domain
I think it's time we men challenged and encouraged each other to keep on doing our
own work, whether it's in therapy or counselling, spiritual direction, reading,
journaling, groups or courses - or all of the above - rather than seeing those pursuits
as 'feminine' or a sign of weakness. I think those pursuits are in fact signs of true
courage and a desire to make the most of life.
Gentlemen,
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How well do you know yourself (your strengths and weaknesses)?
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How clearly do you know where you're heading and what you stand for?
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Are you living by your own values, or someone else's?
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Do you know how to humble yourself and learn?
-
Do the people around you feel safe, secure, loved?
2. Marriages/Partnerships
Let us develop a culture committed to practicing the art of husbandry.
A committed relationship or marriage is not just a romance. As Sam Keen says in
Fire in the Belly:
'Romance is all 'yes' and heavy breathing - an affair built around the illusion
of unbroken affirmation...
Marriage (on the other hand) is 'yes' and 'no' and 'maybe' - a relationship of
trust that is steeped in the primal ambivalence of love and hate.'
He's right isn't he, but how come we don't hear more about that in our society?
Love is not about conquest; it's about service and 'eros' - connecting heart to heart,
with our best energy. For the Greeks 'eros' was not just sexual, it was the motivating
life force for all of life, for living life to its fullest.
3. Friendships
We all need fellow travellers on this journey. Even a good partner is still a fallible
human being and even the so called 'best marriage in the world' is still going to be
imperfect. We need other reference points, others who know us and love us - good
and substantial friendships with people who can encourage you as well as challenge
you.
4. The Collective
Join a men's group (or start one), host a seminar, organise a night out with some
other men, see a film and then afterwards go somewhere for a quiet cup of coffee
and share your reactions. What did it stir up for each of you? What things do you
need to address?
5. The Political
When I refer to 'the political', I'm not talking about mere party politics. I'm talking
about the 'polis' or city, the well-being of the people, something much too important
to be left to politicians.
There's an old saying, 'Evil flourishes while good men do nothing.'
It's time some of us took up a good cause and added our voice and our skills to those
of others, whether it's about family law, reproductive technology, abortion, refugees,
men's health, reconciliation or something else. And take it up in a constructive,
helpful way, and in collaboration with others who will keep you honest and help keep
your spirits up. Beware of lone rangers and bitter cynics.
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Join the Shared Parenting Council of Australia.
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Join a local Reconciliation group.
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Write to your local member of parliament
-
Write a letter to the editor.
Admittedly, we also need something back from the political system. Currently the
ratio of funding for men's services relative to women's services seems to be
approximately 1:10 federally and in most states - and this may be an optimistic
comparison. How come? How come, given that the problems of violence, sexual
assault, suicide, homicide and familicide are apparently predominantly perpetrated by
men? It does not make sense.
In defence of this imbalance, it's been said that the money allocated to women's
programs is actually an investment in society at large, because (as Mark Latham
recently put it) 'women's issues are men's issues too.' I have no argument with that,
but surely the corollary is equally true: men's issues are women's issues too, and for
that matter the concern of society at large. Unless our governments, policy makers
and funding bodies start thinking systemically rather than in the piecemeal and
largely one-sided way that seems to dominate social policy, we're only going to
continue to put bandaids on broken limbs (or worse, cancerous sores).
The challenge is clearly before us all - individually and collectively - to set the stage
for a different era in gender relations, before it's too late.
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